Feeling Exposed and Vulnerable
ByI’ve been feeling extremely vulnerable the past few weeks. Raw and uncertain, and questioning my choices.
I’m feeling this way because my dear sweet 13 year old cat Spike is in complete kidney failure and the vet says that there is not much we can do for him at this point. We tried some treatments that could possibly extend his life for a little while, but he did not respond well to them.
So now we are waiting- waiting for me to make the choice to have him euthanized.
Boy does it suck to be in this place!
I’m questioning my choices in the past around his care; mad at the vet we were going to for not seeing the signs of this when I brought him in this summer; and thinking that I should try the treatments again to see if they work this time.
I’m doubting myself, and looking to everyone else for answers because I don’t want to make the wrong choice. If I’m honest, I have to admit that I want someone else to make the choice for me and give me an answer so I don’t have to be responsible.
I know that only I can make this choice….just like all the other choices in my life. I need to move beyond my fear of getting it wrong; my guilt for not questioning his old vet when I sensed something was wrong; my emotions about missing him and tune into my inner knowing where I can dance with his spirit and hear what he needs. He will tell me and I will know when it’s time if I allow myself to listen.
Being this vulnerable and witnessing my desire to have someone else tell me what to do reminds me of feeling vulnerable in my coaching business. This work is coming straight from my heart and I often times feel extremely exposed and vulnerable.
Do you ever feel that way in your business?
I want to make the right choices and create the right programs. I want to make money!! But there have been times when I was struggling to make ends meet and doubted myself and the choices I made. I wanted someone else to sweep in and give me the answers and show me the way and I wasn’t afraid to throw money at the problem. I’ve spent at least $15,000 on coaches and programs that promised to show me how to be successful.
Weirdly enough, the more I tried to follow the blueprint and do the things they told me to do ….the more I struggled. What I realized was that I was trying to cram myself into their formula for success, rather than creating my own.
For some reason I trusted them more than I trusted myself.
I think that is what can easily happen when you’re feeling vulnerable. You want someone else to sweep in and relieve the pressure and make you feel safe. Rather than make your own choices and risk making a mistake, it is easier to hand it all over to someone else to solve for you. Then if it doesn’t work out you can put the blame on them.
What I’ve learned is that I can ask questions, hire someone else to teach me skills, and help me generate ideas, but my success comes from deep inside of me. My business is an extension of who I am. The more I bring myself into, fly my freak flag and trust my inner guidance the more successful I become. No one else can tell me the way. I just have to trust myself.
What have you learned from your vulnerability?
How do you move through it?
18 Comments
February 15th, 2025 at 1:35 pm
A lot of people need to read your post, Leah.
They’ll see themselves mirrored in your struggles and find solutions to set themselves free. That is: If they’re as willing as you are to expose themselves … to themselves.
Thanks for sharing what I know is a difficult and challenging time for you. But most of all thanks for for reminding us that it does no good trying to relinquish our power. The challenge just waits for us to accept it and look within for the strength and ability to move past it.
Kat
February 15th, 2025 at 2:54 pm
Wow, Leah… First of all.. sending tons of love for what you’re going through. My heart truly goes out to you.
And yes, absolutely have felt that way in not only my business but my life in general… I call it the White Knight Syndrome… always looking for my white knight to save me from myself.. to tell me what i’m doing wrong in my business & tell me also how to fix it.
Just recently (around the time of my rant on my blog!) I really got that it’s all me, baby. I totally agree that others can be helpful in seeing our blind spots, and in teaching us things that we don’t know how to *do*, but that ultimately our direction and our path can only come from within.
love how you’re rocking yours, and helping others to rock their own <3
February 15th, 2025 at 3:51 pm
Thanks Kat!!
I find that the more willing i am to expose myself to myself the more I fully expand into my kick-ass life!!!
February 15th, 2025 at 4:15 pm
Thanks for the Love Angel!
White Knight Syndrome is absolutely correct!!
February 15th, 2025 at 4:33 pm
Leah — I am so sorry that you and Spike are in this place. Sometimes, trusting yourself is all you have — and you know that better than anyone! Thanks for reaching out and letting your readers experience this with you. There are no wrong decisions…remember that. Trust, love, and be still, and let your heart go where it will.
Hugs — Joan
Joan´s last [type] ..Things I Learned Doing Tai-Chi
February 15th, 2025 at 5:13 pm
First, I am so sorry to hear about your struggle around your cat. I have been there, and it is a difficult place to be. I hold you during this time.
Second, there seems to be a theme around Vulnerability. As a collective, we must be finding ourselves there for a reason. Perhaps it is to show us how small we are in the vastness of our Universe. And yet, at the same time, it shows us how strong we can be when we just take one step closer.
Two weeks ago I shared a blog on Vulnerability (http://bit.ly/wYZnPT). I wrote about how important it is to reach out when we are most vulnerable because those of us who are strong in that moment can hold you up.
Thank you for sharing your vulnerability with us, Leah.
February 15th, 2025 at 6:08 pm
First off, I am so thinking of you and Spike right now. Wishing you both peace and compassion during this time-losing our animal friends is so hard. To your question: I used to be an ice queen kind of gal and really avoid showing pain or vulnerability. Then I went through my first serious relationship (and break up) and I was a hot mess. I was also more in tune with the things that *really mattered* than I had been in years! I took from that experience many lessons (never date a man who makes you feel less than you are darling!) but the primary one was that our vulnerability is an essential part of our wild, authentic selves. Shoving it away does not work, learning from it and making a home for it, can.
Bri Saussy´s last [type] ..Petition: May Can’t & Won’t Blaze the Trail to DONE
February 15th, 2025 at 6:49 pm
Hey Leah, I think it’s pretty cool that old Spike has given you the time to be ready. What an awesome cat to have waited and given you this time to come to terms with it all. That boy must love you big time!
I’m learning that when I ask other people to solve my problems I just end up pissed off with all the people telling me what to do. Funnily enough (she says sarcastically…) the advice I always get falls into the category of “should” behaviour and is never what I want to be doing in my heart.
Lotsa luv coming your way.
Fiona Leonard´s last [type] ..What a Japanese tourist can teach you about really living
February 15th, 2025 at 6:52 pm
Hi Leah, so sorry to hear about your heart break, thinking of you both and sending lots of hope and peace.
I completely hear what you say about wanting somebody else to tell you what to do, to take away your responsibility and give you a magic fix. I’m relieved I’m not the only one who feels like that, because I thought it was just me being weak.
I learnt the hard way, by waiting on people and listening to them, because they promised the answers; but then being disappointed in them when they didn’t produce the promised results. It was heartbreaking and frustrating and I still ended up blaming myself.
I’ve come to the same realisation that I have to stand on my own an trust myself. Realising you have the answers inside you if only you stop to listen is huge. Being able to quiet the chatter inside down is the hardest point; but when you hear that still, small voice inside, the sense of knowing is amazing.
I’m sorry that your knowing has to be over such a horrible situation; but I hope that it helps you in your business – you’re gift of helping others with your own experiences is truly special.
Claire´s last [type] ..Friendship Rocks at the Virtual Valentine’s Day Party
February 15th, 2025 at 7:23 pm
Thanks for your kind words Claire!
February 15th, 2025 at 7:26 pm
Your words are so appreciated Fiona!!!Thanks for the perspective shift. Funny enough, I was able to hear Spike telling me he was ready when I was this afternoon. Very clear and strong. We will go in tomorrow.
I’m feeling the luv!!!
February 15th, 2025 at 7:31 pm
I agree Bri!!
It makes life feel so juicy when I allow myself to be in my vulnerability…..letting it ripple around me,but still being fully in all the other juicy things happening in my life. It all feels so REAL…..expansive…..beautiful.
It reminds me of the time around when my Dad and Nana died.
Challenging- YES!!!!– but sweet and powerful too.
February 15th, 2025 at 7:32 pm
Thanks Joan.
I know that you have been going through some intense pet stuff too. I was so happy to see Napoleon up and around.
I’ll take your hugs!!!
February 16th, 2025 at 10:33 am
Hi Leah,
I know what you are feeling. My beloved little companion went through the same. I asked her to tell me in a dream or waking life what she wanted and she did. I wish you and Spike much love and kindness. This is one of those moments in life when the heart breaks open and you realize that there is so much that is out of our control. Life is mysterious and no formula can account for that in life, love or business. Sending you and Spike a healing hug. Love and respect, Marjory
Marjory´s last [type] ..Liberating the story underneath
February 16th, 2025 at 5:06 pm
Sending lots of love to you and Spike . . . I’ve lost many pets and it never gets easier. I don’t know what I would do without my little ball of fur – Hammy.
There are so many times I just wish someone would tell me what to do to make it all better in life and in business. When I started working for myself a few years ago the doubt was all controlling, but I’ve begun to gather more confidence in myself and realize that not everyone is meant to work with me. Even with that I still have moments of doubt in what I’m doing, whether I’m as good as I think I am, and how I’m going to make this all work. So if you figure out how to banish those doubts please let me know – there I go hoping someone else will give me the answer
Really what has helped me is a personal mantra, learning to take a breather, and having the support of those around me (including Hammy) who remind me I am good enough and it will all work out as long as I believe in it.
Thank you for opening yourself up to all of us and we will be thinking of you and Spike!
February 17th, 2025 at 3:23 am
Oh my goodness….I was totally unprepared for the vulnerability of motherhood. Oh sure, I heard all the cliches and platitudes about how much you love your kids and think about them all the time. But nothing could have prepared me (or anyone) for the feeling of constantly being laid open by a single comment or tantrum or moment of your child’s hurt. Every day, I have to open that Pandora’s box of my own *stuff* (accumulated over 40+) years and dig out something that exposes me to myself and everyone else. There’s doubt, and guilt, and all their ugly friends. It’s hard, but it’s so worth doing — and reminders like yours are just what we need to hear sometimes.
Jessica´s last [type] ..New Year’s Resolutions a #FAIL?
February 17th, 2025 at 10:18 pm
My heart goes out to you and Spike. I’ve been in that place with animal heartmates, questioning my decisions, wondering if we should try one more thing or one more time, worrying (so much worrying) about making the right choices, wondering if I’ll know the right time to let go or if I’ll wait too long or make that move too soon.
I was in that place in 2010 with our 16-year-old tabby when there wasn’t even a definite diagnosis of what was happening with him. I was there in 1998 with my 18-year-old black kitty who had kidney failure (she visited me in my dreams again just last night… it always feels like such a gift when they visit me in my dreams).
It’s such a love-filled, difficult, bittersweet, and painful place to be. My heart is with you.
As for business, I’m relatively new at this. But I find myself searching for answers from others – other people, courses, looking for a clue in a newsletter, hoping a book will hold the answer.
More and more, I’ve been learning (and re-learning) that I have more of my own answers, inside, than I realize. And I’m being reminded that what works for someone else – what is their path, their way – just might not be what works for me… and how it’s okay for me to follow what my heart and my gut are telling me. I’m trying to trust myself more but I still sometimes fall far short. To my surprise, though, what I’m learning from my vulnerability is that it really is okay to trust my self, to trust my guidance. And the more I trust myself, the greater the trust grows.
Gin´s last [type] ..releasing…
February 29th, 2025 at 1:49 pm
My sympathies to you regarding Spike. We had to put the sweetest dog we ever had (a Rottweiler named Stinky, and despite her not-so-sweet name, she was truly a big teddy bear) to sleep about 4 years ago because she suddenly went blind and stopped eating and drinking. The medication to make her healthy again was extremely cost-prohibitive for the financial position we were in at the time, and we had to make the extremely hard choice to put her to sleep rather than to leave her lingering in a poor quality of life. We would have loved and cared for her, but she had lost the will to live, as shown by her refusing to eat or drink. I’m not a dog person but I cried for poor Stinky, and like you, even more for feeling like a bad person for having to make that choice.
In business, it’s hard to make the choice to put things to sleep. I’ve recently decided to phase out all aspects of photography that don’t fire up my creativity, which includes the high-profit, low effort of shooting events like high school reunions and business award luncheons. Sure, it’s fast money, but it bores me. And time is precious, as is my energy, so I’d rather spend it on what counts the most, even if it means short-term loss (security) for long-term gain.