Archive for focus
The question is:Do you want to feel better?
Posted by: | CommentsI saw it in his eye’s today as we sat and talked. That far away, hurt expression that tells me he is caught up in his head and thinking about something that does not feel good to him.
I asked him what was going on in that head of his and he shared some stuff about not feeling good about himself and feeling like he was not accomplishing enough in his life. I have seen him in this place before.
Hell, I have seen myself in this place; my head starts to fill up with thoughts about how I can’t seem to get things where I want them, and all my failures. Then I start comparing myself to other people and I just don’t measure up. I tell myself that I am lazy, I don’t try hard enough, and that I suck. I end up feeling pretty bad about myself and totally dissatisfied with my life. This big energetic hole forms in my stomach and I feel that I might disappear into it.
I ask him, “Do you want to feel this way, or do you want to feel better about yourself?”
It seems like a simple enough question, but how often do you give yourself this choice?
Do you even know that you have a choice?
I know that for a long time I did not recognize that I had one. I was a slave to my negative thoughts and it caused me to be very frustrated, dissatisfied and depressed. I would unintentionally choose to feel bad about myself.
Then I read the book “The Four Agreements” and it shifted everything for me. This book made me realize that I had a choice and I could shift my thinking, and the importance of how I talked to myself in my head. It started me on the path to where I am today.
Today, I always choose to feel better about myself.
The next question is: How do you do that?
Here are some real simple things to start with.
1. Make the choice to feel good about yourself. Set the intention and repeat it every day.
2. Recognize that although you can’t stop negative thoughts from entering your head, you can choose not to focus on them. When you notice that negative stream coming in intentionally shift your focus to something that feels good to you. Even if it means totally distracting yourself by watching cartoons.
3. Make a daily practice of starting off your day focusing on things that feel good to you and that you appreciate. Appreciate yourself, your friends, family, environment, pets, and anything else that makes you smile.
5. Celebrate every little thing that you do, no matter how big or small. Get in the habit of patting yourself on the back and telling yourself: “You Rock!” See your own greatness.
6. If you are unsatisfied with something, ask yourself: “What would make this better?” This allows you to move towards a solution rather than focusing on what you are unsatisfied with and helps to shift the bad feelings much faster.
These simple things can create big changes in your life if you commit to doing them. I’m not going to say that they are not hard work sometimes since the default tends to be to slip down the rabbit hole of feeling crappy. It takes conscious effort to remember to do these things, but the choice is always there.
Pick a few to try out and let me know what happens in the comments below.
I think we have it backwards…..
Posted by: | CommentsWhat if creating your kick-ass dream life is more about how you want to feel in your life than the things that you want to have?
When I talk to people about their kick-ass dream life, they tend to go right into describing what it will look like to them and all the things that are in it. They tell me about the cool career that they will have, and the awesome house and all the things that they will do. Once they have all these things THEN their life will feel totally kick-ass!
I think that this approach is backwards. It is extremely limiting and gives way too much power to the material things in your life.
If you are honest with yourself, the reason why you want these things; be it a job, house, or car, is because you think that you will feel a certain way once you have it.
And it might be true that all those things will make your life kick-ass, but I imagine that there are all kinds of things yet to be discovered that would work for you too.
What if you started off with being really clear on how you want to feel in your life, and create from there?
If you commit to looking for the things in your life that feel really good to you, then you can more easily build your kick-ass life around you.
I find that when you are tapped into how you want to feel, and you look for the things that allow you to feel that way, the possibilities expand and it becomes much easier to start living your kick-ass life right now.
What does your kick-ass dream life feel like to you?
How to come into alignment with your kick-ass dream.
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In my last post I left you pondering the question: “How do I get into alignment with my big dream?”
I will share one way with you now.
Focus on the “What” and the “Why” of your dream and forget about the “How” for now.
I know that this may sound like crazy talk, but I assure you that I have not gone around the bend with this one.
Let me break it down for you.
Most people spend less than a minute focusing on what their kick-ass dream is going to feel like once they are living it, before they immediately shift into “How am I going to make this happen” mode.
In most cases, you do not have a clear plan around “HOW” you are going to go about making your dream happen, so it creates a bit of resistance inside of you.
This resistance shows up as confusion, frustration, self-doubt, and overwhelm. (I am sure you can come up with a few feelings of your own here.) Once you are in the bad feeling place you are not in alignment with your dream, and it makes it very difficult for you to manifest it.
At this point, if you were like me, you would find yourself giving up and moving onto something else, or getting resentful and pulling up one of your old scapegoat stories around why you can’t have this dream or why you do not deserve it.
Now let’s look at this process from another perspective.
What if you spent a majority of your time focusing on the “What” and the “Why” of your kick-ass dream?
The “What” being the thing you want to manifest, and the “Why” being the reason you are doing it.
By spending your time focusing on these things, you are tapping into the good feelings that living your dream will bring you. The more you explore how it is going to feel to be living your dream, and what it is going to look like, the more you are expanding those juicy good feelings . By focusing on the juicy good feelings, you are bringing yourself into alignment with your dream.
A really cool thing happens when you do this: The details of “How” to create your dream begin to unfold before you. By focusing on the “What” and “Why” you have created the perfect space for the “How” to show up.
So, tell me, WHAT is your kick-ass dream and WHY do you want it?
Soon I will share with you the potential pitfalls to watch out for when doing this.
Fear is Soooooo Tricky……..
Posted by: | CommentsToday on Defy the Box Radio I talked about fear.
Strangely enough, I was fearful about doing the show…which is very unusual for me.
But this was the first time with the new show format and I was doing things in more of a questions and answer kind of way, with a bit of “spotlight” coaching thrown in. I was on my own with no co-host or guest to interview, and I was nervous about talking to myself and having to fill up all the space. It felt awkward and I was certainly having a hard time getting into my flow. Things shifted once I opened up the line and did some coaching……that feels so natural to me and I am in my flow when I am doing it.
I do think I am going to continue my quest to find a co-host if you think your might know someone.That will certainly help make it more fun for me……which usually translates to more fun for everyone. 
But I am rambling here…..lets get back to the topic of fear.
Fear is one of the main reasons that people hire me. They want to make some big changes in their lives and they are afraid to do it.
Fear is tricky…it shows up in all kinds of disguises.
Anxiety
Nervousness
Worry
Self-doubt
Resistance
Anger
Confusion
Jealousy
Excuses
Cluelessness ( is that even a word?)
Procrastination
Today fear showed up disguised as nervousness and confusion for me.
I was edgy, uncomfortable and my mind was feeling pretty blank. I admit it sucked, but I got through it.
So what is our fear trying to tell us…or do for us?
Seth Godin does an amazing job of breaking this all down in his book Linchpin: Are You Indispensable? . ( I highly suggest reading it.) I am going to give you the condensed version here.
Originally, fears purpose was survival, but now it mostly keeps you from expanding into your highest potential.
Your fear response is one of the oldest parts of you. It comes from the part of your brain referred to as the “Lizard Brain”. It’s original purpose was to help you survive. Its goal is to keep you small and hidden so that you blend in and don’t get eaten! Your fear wants’ you to be part of the pack because you are more likely to survive. It is just trying to keep you alive!
But the reality is that we don’t need to worry about getting eaten anymore.
Funny how the idea of standing out from the crowd and being really seen in our full unique glory can inspire fear in the best of us. (It’s the Lizard Brain just doing its job.)
The cool thing is that humans have evolved to the point where we can focus our attention on creativity and living a meaningful life. We have more ability to focus on our own expansion.
I suspect that if you are reading this, you are focused on YOUR own expansion.
So now that we know what fear is…….what do you do about it?
I have an awesome 3 step process for kicking fear’s ass that I will share with you next time……..
An Unconventional Way to Create Change
Posted by: | CommentsHow do you go about creating change in your life?
I think the most common approach is identifying what you think is “wrong” with your life, and then setting up a plan to “fix” it. You spend your time and energy trying to stop doing something.
For example, if you wanted to lose weight, you may decide to stop eating junk food, and to stop spending your time sitting on the couch watching TV.
The flaw that I see in this approach is that you are focusing your attention on what you can’t have.
I don’t know about you, but as soon as I decide I am not going to have something anymore, the more I start thinking about it and wanting it. It becomes all about denying myself something and my having the discipline not to do it, which does not usually work so well for me.
This approach is also built on the premise that there is something “wrong’ with you that you need to “fix”.
Energetically this is moving you in the wrong direction. The more you focus on what is “wrong” and needs to be “fixed”, the more of that you will get.
Let’s say you decide not to eat junk food, but then that is all you can think about, and you have a chip or two, and then you feel bad for eating the chips, which makes you want to eat more chips. The next thing you know you are feeling bad about yourself for not being able to stick to your plan and you start tuning out the bad feelings by watching TV.
Do you see where I am going with this?
I have another idea for you to try.
What if rather than looking at the stuff that you want to fix and change in your life, you decided to focus on what you want more of in your life ?
What if you focus on how you might add stuff into your day that feels good, rather than being focused on stopping a behavior, or taking something away?
What would that look like for you?
Let’s go back to the losing weight example. In order for this approach to work, you need to connect to the reason why you are doing something.
Let’s say that the reason that you want to lose weight is to feel healthier and more energetic. How could you add things into your day that would allow you to feel healthier and more energetic?
Perhaps you might add more greens into your diet every day, and you decide that going for a walk increases your energy so you add that into your day too.
Then you discover that getting 8 hours of sleep a night really feels good and increases your energy so you do that too.
Adding the greens into your diet increases your bodies desire for more good food, and going for a walk and getting more sleeps leaves you energized and feeling like doing more stuff. Next thing you know, you don’t crave junk food and sitting on the couch is not so appealing.
As you begin to add these things into your day, and you feel good about them, it empowers you to do more stuff that feels good. It is a much gentler way to treat yourself and it will bring you the results that you are looking for much faster.
It all comes down to this: What you focus on expands into your reality. When you focus on what is wrong, and needs to be fixed, you get more of that. When you focus on what you want more of, and what feels good and works for you , you get more of that.
What would you rather have more of?
try it out and let me know what happens!
If you want to play with this idea further, join in and play Amplification Friday with us every Friday on the Defy the Box Fan page on Facebook.
