The little mean girl wants to come out
ByThe other day was one of those days where I really loved my life! It was the perfect combination of work and play. It was also my massage day! Massage day is cool because I get to see my friend Dan and we chat and he gives me an awesome massage. It is surely part of what makes my life Kick-Ass!
As I lay on the table, and began to relax I started thinking about my day and a wonderful conversation that I had had with a really cool lady named Martia Nelson. She is a published author and coach who I was introduced to by a mutual friend. She had given me some high praise about my website and my writing style. She complimented my ability to write clearly using simple language that conveyed the meaning of complex information.
I was thrilled to hear these compliments as she said them! I felt myself puffing up with pride as she spoke the words to me. I readily received her compliments in the moment. It felt awesome to be seen as an excellent writer!
But now, as I lay on the massage table thinking about the conversation, I found myself discounting her praise.
In my mind it went something like this: “She just said those nice things to butter me up. She really just wanted me to have her on My Kick-Ass Dream Life. I’m not that good of a writer. I can’t spell and my grammar sucks! She didn’t really mean it” I started to feel small and suddenly life didn’t feel so Kick-Ass any more.
Do you ever find yourself doing that?
WTF!? I was totally making up a story about why I suck as a writer and how no-one would really praise me and mean it!! It made feel small and insignificant.
I will be the first one to tell you that part of your Kick-Ass Life is OWNING your talents and appreciating how awesome you are. So why was I laying here questioning Martia’s sincerity and discounting her compliments?
Part of the reason I do this because I have a “story” about myself from childhood concerning writing. This story says-my spelling is awful and my grammar sucks. I am always criticized for this. I have to be extra careful or I will be judged harshly. I’m not good enough because I can’t do this.
When I believe this story I discount people’s praise. I discount my talent. I discount who I am. I don’t feel very Kick-Ass at all.
Do you have stories about yourself that keep you from feeling Kick-Ass?
I think we all do!
So what do you do about them?
The first step is to acknowledge that you have them.
I find that noticing the stories can be the hardest part. Usually they are based on some past experiences that are REAL and TRUE! I AM a bad speller and my grammar is not the best. I always got bad grades in spelling and grammar, and it affected the grades on my writing assignments. It was always a problem. It made me feel less than the other kids who could spell. That was my reality in school.
The question is, is it my reality now?
Not really! Sure, I still spell bad and have careless grammar, but there is the magic of spell check which usually fixes things up nicely. I have learned how to proofread by reading everything out loud which allows me to catch most other mistakes. I also have an editor that I use. People praise my writing skills all the time. I am invited to write for other websites like Fearless Press and Owning Pink. My writing actually is something for me to be proud of and feel good about! My writing is Kick-Ass!
So why do I keep telling the old story that feels bad to me?
I suspect that it is because a small part of me is not fully ready to embrace my brilliance. It wants to keep me small and this old story does a great job of keeping me in that place. This small part of me used to be much bigger and it ran everything in my life…….but not anymore. Now it only slips out when I am not paying attention and brings up old stories from the past in an effort to regain control.
I’m not going to let that happen!
I’m going to keep focusing on the amazing-ness of my currant reality and tell a new story that supports me being an accomplished writer. And when someone tells me the love what I write, I am going to believe them! 
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10 Comments
December 2nd, 2010 at 1:53 pm
Simple, direct, practical and inspiring. Thanks for the reminder that we can narrate our story from a place of empowerment…Best, T
December 2nd, 2010 at 2:39 pm
You consistently hit the nail on the head girlfriend! Look how much you have accomplished, you inspire me daily. Rhonda
December 2nd, 2010 at 4:05 pm
Thanks Rhonda! You rock!
December 2nd, 2010 at 4:05 pm
Thanks Tinamarie!
December 2nd, 2010 at 4:51 pm
I resonated with this a lot. I have been told that I’m an excellent writer too. But, at times, I compare myself (I know, it’s that darned ego thing!) to others. I also have felt charged when “friends” correct my grammar or spelling in informal conversation or on social media. I mean, I don’t mind these corrections with my formal writing at all. I’ve learned to set appropriate boundaries by responding in informal situations to the corrections: “Thanks, but I am a more informal person, and I don’t need to be publicly corrected right now by you.”
December 3rd, 2010 at 11:53 pm
Uh-oh, Leah, maybe you’d better sit down for this. Now that I’ve read this blog, you leave me no choice but to tell you that not only are you a great writer who presents complex ideas in simple language–and with a lot of spunk and spiritual ka-pow, I might add–but you also tell a compelling story (I couldn’t stop reading), show considerable self-awareness and vulnerability, and you own your own stuff. Take that! And I’m not done with you yet missy–breathe here before reading further–you tend toward integity and self-compassion. And dangnabbit, someone’s gotta say it, you seem to model what you preach. I realize this information might drive you to need another massage, but oh well….
. Hugs, Martia. P.S. My friends are rolling on the floor at the idea that I might have the patience or inclination to butter anyone up.
December 7th, 2010 at 7:05 pm
Martia…you make me laugh!
Thanks for all the wonderful words! I actually believe you when you say them!
You Rock!
December 8th, 2010 at 7:02 pm
Hi Leah – what?! You doubt yourself?! (hope you hear the double sarcastic tone here). So good to have you reveal your truth because we all have that inner bitch that really wants to kick our ass instead of helping us create our kick ass life. Hope you can kick that mean girl to the curb. And, BTW – Martia doesn’t lie! PS – I am a grammar junkie, and I love the way you write.
Catherine´s last blog ..The 10 Things You MUST Know About Yourself
December 8th, 2010 at 7:34 pm
I sure do doubt myself sometimes. Especially around the stuff that is really important too me. I think everyone doubts themselves sometimes…the trick is to find a way to move past that doubt.
I’m glad that you like my writing style!
December 9th, 2010 at 4:33 pm
I’m a big fan of putting an arm around the mean girl, calling her Sweetie, and giving her a compassionate environment to live in. Here’s my hit about her. She is trying to help but, poor girl, does it in such a misdirected way that she’s always failing. She’s just not a happy camper. And she has poor social skills, so no one is ever happy to see her! On the plus side, she is a hard worker who has already shown us that she’s dedicated and tenacious. She perseveres even when what she’s doing doesn’t get us anywhere good; this girl just doesn’t give up. AND, here’s the key, she’s trainable! When we train her to look for our strengths and beauty (which she is more interested in when we see hers)…whoa, stand back, she becomes our biggest supporter. She can be a powerful little ally.
I’m curious, if you ask your mean girl to tell you what’s beautiful and wonderful about you, what does she show you?